I watched Eagle Eye last night. It was awful. Normally, I'd be satisfied with that review and stop there. However, after waking up and still being pissed that I've watched this stupid shit, I'm gonna write a review in the hopes that at least one of you will be spared.
Remember when you were little and watched dominos lined up and watched the reaction when you knocked the first one over? Pretty cool right? It was even pretty cool when I saw it on as full grown adult in V For Vendetta. I could appreciate the metaphor in that sequence. What I can't appreciate is a movie that operates on the premise of this "Domino effect" in a suposedly real world. Now sure, a movie is technically a series of convenient events for protaganists and there's no way around that, but Eagle Eye goes to far. Let's examine a scene:
Shia Lebouf gets a phonecall from a mysterious woman who tells him to duck. Then comes a crane no one is driving that tears off the roof of the FBI building he is incarcerated in. The voice tells him to jump. He jumps from the top floor, lands on a train track, comes within millimeters of getting crushed, looks up, sees a sign that says "get on the train", gets on, and then a random stranger's phone rings.......for him. Whoever or whatever(therein lies the "mystery") is guiding our character had the insight to plan these events down to the second and correctly anticipated that he wouldn't get killed in one of a zillion ways between phonecalls. Over the course of the movie, the voice commands Spielberg's latest darling and his required love interest to rob an armored car, go on a high speed chase with the FBI, Engage in a shootout with the FBI in an airport security checkpoint, etc. After all of these events, there's a wonderful escape planned every time. The voice knows precisely when and where niggas will be no matter what. At one point, another automated crane throws like five FBI vehicles into a forest and dumps our heroes on a fucking garbage boat to safety. There's a lot of automated stuff in this movie. You can probably guess why........
*spoiler (gasp)*
Eagle Eye is an omnipotent murderous database managed in secret by Secretary of Defense Vic Mackey of The Shield fame. Hal,.... er, I mean Eagle Eye is out to kill the President but needs Shia to do it. Because it has access to every piece of data in the whole world, it can plan and oversee every move this guy makes. Thank God for that plot device because it all makes sense now.
Actually, no it doesn't. It still doesn't explain why or how all this dude's jumps, spins, and dives are perfectly planned and executed like the fucking Prince of Persia. I also don't quite understand why or how a computer that can over the course of the film change traffic lights and send unmanned military drones at niggas on highway overpasses decides to assassinate the president with an explosive crystal fashioned into a necklace that can only be activated by an elementary school kid's trumpet blown at an exact frequency. I'm not making this up. Had I made this up, I could've made some money apparently. I'm actually kinda jealous.
I also understand that Eagle Eye is aware of everything, but why is it advertising so hard? "Get in the Porshe Cayenne", "Step inside the Circuit City", "Buy yourself some clothes with these Visa Gift cards", "Pick up that Iphone"....ugh. I'm not completely against product placement. I mean, somone's gotta pick up the tab when you blow up 16 CGI cars. But honestly, there's no reason to have the computer reveal its villainous master plan through about 20 Sony flatscreens. Why is the world's smartest computer doing the "evil speech" anyway? You'd think it would have copy of Goldfinger stored somewhere in it's database and realize it's not a good idea.
Minus the CGI budget, this shit was some made for tv shit. I don't think I was in suspense for a combined 5 seconds the entire movie. Fuck this shit. If the writers aren't gonna take it seriously and follow their own rules why should I give a shit? This magical computer actually killed a nigga that was running away by overloading a power line. The powerline fell and hit this nigga as he was running in a field. I wasn't aware I was watching Final Destination 4.
Oh, how many of you guys think that even in the movie world a guy couldrun into a concert hall where the president was, stand on a podium and shoot into the air? Shia Lebouf can in fact do such a thing. In slo-mo nonetheless. "What?!?" you ask? You'd probably be more comfortable with the idea if I told you that the secret service shot poor Shia. Now what if I told you he survives because the secret service only shoots assassins in the shoulder? Are your eyes rolling yet? "I ran up on the president and all I got was this sling" would make a great T-shirt.
I've sad more than enough about this movie. I'm now going to spoil the ending:
Rosario Dawson stabs the computer with a crowbar and it dies. Crisis averted, the world is safe. Yay. wtf. It took two hourse fo figure that out?
4/10. This crap is way below average even for a "popcorn flick". The world's smartest, all-seeing computer has a blind spot 10 feet away from it? Come on people. Come on.
3 comments:
4 out of 10? I would give it a 5 out of 10 for the Rosario Dawson appearance (she is worth at least one point). I sadly watched this movie (illegally...yes, illegally). We were kinda disappointed. I mean, on the one hand, everything you pointed out is true. On the other hand, when you make a computer that can only be locked/unlocked by one dude (and it just so happens he has a twin), then you have to throw all other logic out the window. A supercomputer would have just found a way to trick the locking system or something...so, once logic is gone, the rest makes sense. Of course the CPU can control cranes fast as hell, control drones, and manipulate everything 19 steps ahead (including the powerline garbage). I would even venture to say the had Shia been hit in the head at the end, he would've still survived (though killing him would have been great in my opinion...or letting someone die). Also, how did he just run into that concert at the state of the union? And how does the chick get in? That was last minute...doesn't that raise security red flags. Ok...back to my point. The movie premise was illogical, so the rest of the movie must remain illogical in order to not fuck up the premise. When you look at it that way, what other choice did they have then to make the ridiculous movie they made? lol!
I can think of one thing that would have doubled that rating. Changing the villain. If instead of a computer it was a domestic terrorist cell (you know, a few people trying to ensure a more perfect union.) Basing their treason on the idea that the right to bare arms was given so that the government could be overthrown if it was detrimental to the people would have been a good premise. And if they could break down how this cell would be so synchronized that they could orchestrate that whole ordeal, the movie would be so fly! Not to mention the fact that with the elimination of the leader of the cell, you could have a sequel based on another cell rising or another leader rising.
I should right screen plays.
It would be tough to pull off the whole 'we can see you everywhere' gimmick with real people. But it could work...I guess.
We should write a screenplay. I mean, we all have great input and ideas. Comedy would be somewhat tough, but sci-fi and action would be easy.
Post a Comment